Monday, March 19, 2012
The Decision: Birthday Reflections
The Decision: Birthday Reflections: So yesterday was my birthday! A year ago at this time I was planning my move to Colombia , South America! It was all so exciting and adventu...
Birthday Reflections
So yesterday was my birthday! A year ago at this time I was planning my move to Colombia , South America! It was all so exciting and adventurous, all I thought about was leaving a place that was full of pain for me personally. One year later I am living my dream on the farm I have always wanted. Do I have thoughts on my journey, of course! Are they all great? NO! I have learned enough in one year to last me a lifetime, a lot about myself and my past way of looking at my life. I have learned to adapt, and change with my ever changing circumstances. A process that started long before my move. I have learned that Colombia does not operate the way the United States does, I can not have everything I want with a phone call. Colombia is so advanced in some things and way behind in others. I have yet to pay the few bills I have online! I have to drive to places and wait in line to pay a simple bill! This is what the Colombians do! I have to find adequate internet, another MAJOR problem! The internet here really sucks. I have it, but sometimes I am unable to connect, and it is not a strong signal. Of course, living in Paradise more than makes up for this problem and I have learned to take this in stride and keep trying until I accomplish my goal.
Is it worth it to live in a new country? Yes it is. Is it difficult to do what I have done? Yes it is. I am close, so close to everything I pictured in my dream to come here.
So what did I do to make my day special? I did what I love to do, spent time with my animals, exercise making curtains for my traditional Colombian kitchen..I also reflected on my peace, my own personal peace. No present, greetings, a call from someone, can accomplish this for me. I know, I seem O.K. even peaceful and happy. I am to a certain extent, but well, the thought of my daughter is always there, it never leaves. I guess that is what grieving is...I know grief. My parents are dead, dear friends and relatives have passed over the years, but my daughter's death is about what she did not experience and I still do. I thought about this a lot yesterday. How I miss her being on this earth. How I used to stalk her twitter. How I knew what was always going on with her, even when I was not with her physically. Now, I have to believe she is in a better place, I have to keep her alive in my life. I have donated to a little church here in her memory. That was my real birthday present to myself, a place to go and feel her, and to talk with her. The church will be there long after I am gone, the people in my small community will always tell others about the paintings and crosses donated by the American in her daughter's name. I will continue to help this church as long as I am here, in any way I can. That is very fulfilling for me as the people are not rich but live a very rich life. I wanted someting that would live on in history to honor her, and this will.
I guess that it will always be this way with me. I accept that. I am a different person from her death. I have read many things about really hard times bringing lessons to your life. I can honestly say hard times have changed me. I am less judgemental, and am more forgiving. I do not engage in arguments, but stick up for what I believe in. I live with the thought that my farm will be a place for the people I most treasure, my son, and my granddaughter, to visit and enjoy. I am working hard to put everything in place to have a calm , tranquil life without stress. It has only been a year, but so much has changed because I did something about the way I was living my life. If I can do this so can you who read this blog, no matter what it is you feel you need to change. Go for it, take one day at a time, and see the results. You might take a few steps back, but you will take more steps forward.
Is it worth it to live in a new country? Yes it is. Is it difficult to do what I have done? Yes it is. I am close, so close to everything I pictured in my dream to come here.
So what did I do to make my day special? I did what I love to do, spent time with my animals, exercise making curtains for my traditional Colombian kitchen..I also reflected on my peace, my own personal peace. No present, greetings, a call from someone, can accomplish this for me. I know, I seem O.K. even peaceful and happy. I am to a certain extent, but well, the thought of my daughter is always there, it never leaves. I guess that is what grieving is...I know grief. My parents are dead, dear friends and relatives have passed over the years, but my daughter's death is about what she did not experience and I still do. I thought about this a lot yesterday. How I miss her being on this earth. How I used to stalk her twitter. How I knew what was always going on with her, even when I was not with her physically. Now, I have to believe she is in a better place, I have to keep her alive in my life. I have donated to a little church here in her memory. That was my real birthday present to myself, a place to go and feel her, and to talk with her. The church will be there long after I am gone, the people in my small community will always tell others about the paintings and crosses donated by the American in her daughter's name. I will continue to help this church as long as I am here, in any way I can. That is very fulfilling for me as the people are not rich but live a very rich life. I wanted someting that would live on in history to honor her, and this will.
I guess that it will always be this way with me. I accept that. I am a different person from her death. I have read many things about really hard times bringing lessons to your life. I can honestly say hard times have changed me. I am less judgemental, and am more forgiving. I do not engage in arguments, but stick up for what I believe in. I live with the thought that my farm will be a place for the people I most treasure, my son, and my granddaughter, to visit and enjoy. I am working hard to put everything in place to have a calm , tranquil life without stress. It has only been a year, but so much has changed because I did something about the way I was living my life. If I can do this so can you who read this blog, no matter what it is you feel you need to change. Go for it, take one day at a time, and see the results. You might take a few steps back, but you will take more steps forward.
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